I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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