you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
