Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
