Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
