ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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