Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
