I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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