Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
