Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
