I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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