im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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