Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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