Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
