Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
