why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
