I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
