Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
