my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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