How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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