my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She bit a glass in half.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
