Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
