His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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