Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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