The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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