what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
