You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
