I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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