coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
