at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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