Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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