is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
