i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
