i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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