So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
