There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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