Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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