Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
