I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
