Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
