YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
