i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
