Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
