i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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