Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He has the fingertips of a God
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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