I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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