Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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