btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
