im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
