Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
