We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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