I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
