Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
