Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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