Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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