90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
