After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
