the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
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