I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In America we eat man semen.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
