Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
bring money and cleavage
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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